I spent the entire night avoiding eye contact with people, and sidestepping conversations as I sat at the bar — for fear someone might notice my shaky hands and ask the dreaded question — “Are you okay?” I was not in the mood for honesty.
I felt lost in the world, actually, that's incorrect; when I say lost, I mean: I don't want to be found. I was like a bird who had forgotten how to fly, incorrect again, when I say forgot, I mean refuse to remember.
I was sitting by the window, listening to the colors of the rain as it poured, praying it drowns something in me, hoping the sky might have mercy on my soul and wash away these layers of worthlessness screaming for me to run back to him.
“Your eyes!” I heard a voice say, the words caught my attention, drowning the loud whispers at the bar. I looked up from my drink, and there stood perfection, stealing the air clean from my lungs and when I say perfection I mean I forgot I had knees. “E excuse me?” I stuttered.
“your eyes” he waved his hand, passing his remarks off as casual. “They look Jaded, Every time a male in this room attempted to speak to you, they’ve shot daggers” He paused for a moment as if sifting through thoughts. “Care for a drink?” he finally asked. “No, thank you, I am trying to catch up on a book” I replied.
“Are you reading from a device? What book is it”? He asked all at once like he knew I would soon send him off like the others before him”
The title is T.O.S.B! we finished in Unison
Oh, you’ve heard of it? I asked
“Heard? It is one of my favorite books, I felt a connection to the guy, I could relate to his reasons for leaving. My favorite part was when he told her — ‘Do what you want, but I can't hold your darkness anymore’. I know one might argue that holding someone's darkness is the ultimate expression of love but It wasn't his fault you know, he just wanted out. Some girls need to understand that; when guys ghost them”
I sighed before responding “He was her first real love, she was shiny to him until she wasn't, he was red and he liked her ‘cos she was blue, and then he touched her, he tainted her and later decided that purple wasn't the color for him then after months of dragging her through hell, went ghost on her. That is a cruel man, the fact that he could have allowed them to retain an easy friendship that they might have settled into, but instead, he chose an axe to it, hacking it all from the root, breaking and stomping on things, not minding that she was breaking into pieces too”.
“Come on, he loved her and she knew it, but that was the best way he knew to cut all ties, the earlier they ended things the better for everyone involved”. he replied.
“But was she better though? After he left, she lost herself into great unknowns. She was broken and what was broken in her wakes up by 3 am every morning and cries for him on bathroom floors hoping he calls.” I interjected. —“for her to remain soft after passing through hands as careless as his”, I took a deep breath as I paused — “I just hope life is being uncharacteristically generous to her, wherever she is now”.
“I hope so too”, he said slowly, “but you know, before he left, She was barely present. She was long gone. She was no longer his to keep, whatever demons she was battling had won. He did her a favor when he ditched her, the pain would pass, it would make her stronger”
Unsuccessfully holding back my tears, I reached for his hands and said “Sometimes pain is just pain. It doesn’t make you stronger. It doesn’t build character. It just hurts.”
I shifted uncomfortably in my seat, trying to wipe off the tears at the corner of my eyes. “who was he?” he finally asked, I cleared my throat as if ridding my mouth of the name that came to mind: “it doesn’t matter, he is long gone”.
He pressed his lips together looking for the right words to say — I wondered what his response would be, what he could possibly say to unravel 5 years of hurt and disappointment. I was in so much pain, barely 3 hours ago, Ope had called off our engagement — after the rain stops, I would leave the bar to plan a date with myself, we would have cute conversations, I would tell myself she is beautiful in all the ways that mattered. I would take myself home then lay her down on her king-size single bed with cherry blossom sheets and make love to her. Make sure she comes. Twice. — Then I would find some spare time and call Ope.
“I hope you stop being a ghost and call her,” I said as I slowly stood up to leave the table.
“I hope you forget about him”, he whispered gently as he waved goodbye to me.
